June 21, 2015

I recently got asked on my tumblr why I say I don't really "mess with white guys," and I decided I would answer it in a blog post rather than on tumblr.

Before you start judging and making assumptions, Firstly, this post is not about appearance nor is it about "size." My "preference" is valid and not about redundant attraction comments. Second, no, I'm not saying I'll never give a white guy the time of day, I'm not even implying that. If a white guy is nice and not any of the things I am about to describe, he can holla. And lastly, yes, I have dated white guys. As of now, moreso than men of colour. I've had many different forms of relationships with white guys too.. the "I just met you, and I think you're hot, so let's date" ass white guy, the "LOL I've never been with a black girl before" ass white guy, the "I gotta break it to my mom that I like a black girl" ass white guy, the "You're the whitest black girl I know" ass white guy, the "Let me touch your ass" ass white guy... One of my longest.. um.. interests.. if you will, was in a white guy, now of course, I was young.. hell, I'm still young-- I always get the "You don't even know what you want, you're still a baby." comment and while that may be true, I know for fact I don't want a specific quality that I've found constant in all except one white guy I've talked to or "dated," if you will. (My definition of dating is different than most, but we'll leave that for another post)

I grew up in 2 (and a half, I guess) different white suburban towns. We were usually the first black family in the town and the second the town got a couple other black families, my family would up and move (that wasn't the reason, however, just coincidental.) All I really knew were white guys and Trey Songz. During high school, I started talking to a white guy that I thought was everything, (I'll remind you that I was very young at the time, so I thought the "you're pretty for a black girl" or the "you're the prettiest black girl I know" 'compliment' was just the sweetest thing ever, when I knew that I was, in fact, the ONLY black girl they knew.) I really liked this boy! After spending a little over a year having the "I like you" conversation (and he told me first, by the way) and shameless flirting via text and phone calls.. this boy was not willing to give me the "girlfriend" title. However, he was quickly able to give all his little white girls the girlfriend title almost immediately. He was especially good at doing so a couple weeks after expressing his infatuation with me... *sips tea* Anyway, I'm not bitter about it, we're still friends, (using that word very loosely here), nonetheless it really did a number on my self-esteem. He would talk to me about these white girls sometimes and the way he talked about them was not the way he talked about me. He made them seem like beautiful, delicate flowers and me like just a girl that's alright in the face and has a nice butt (and I mean, I do have a nice butt, but damn, just a simple, "you look pretty today" would suffice.) And for a while I was mad as hell about it, I was ride-or-die for that boy, whenever he needed someone I was there. Always his little cheerleader and consoling him whenever it didn't work out with one of these white girls. Whilst still constantly telling me he liked me. The fact that I liked him was clear. (As if I didn't say it enough) Yet, it was rare he would pay me a damn compliment without mentioning my "booty" or referring to me as a "good friend." (But he really liked me though! *eye roll*)

Now at this time, I didn't think of it as a black girl-white girl thing, so I went on and another white boy came into my life who seemed to like me much more than the last; however, the same issue surfaced. See, at this point, we decided we'd talk before we use the labels. For a while, I was a little concerned as he had liked another (white) girl earlier on and he seemed to put her before me often. If we both had a problem and needed someone, we'd know who's side he'd rush to first. At the time,  I would convince myself that it was understandable because they had history. (However, I was too young to realize that when you are in a relationship, I don't care if it's your oldest friend - when you are in the hospital and he can't be bothered to give you his undivided attention and is continuously telling you about this little white girl's emotional issues, he's trash.) The way he talked to and about this girl was not the way he talked about me. It was something that really bothered me, but that's not the worst.. eventually, I found out he had been sexting another white girl who I had previous (negative) history with and he had never met, behind my back. That was the end of that.

Now that was just a brief explanation of let's get to the real point, white guys don't treat me the way they treat white girls. Now, hear me out; black girls (especially ones darker in complexion) are often given this 'strong, independent black woman who don't need no man' stigma. That sentence has been said at me by guys I was seeing. (Not to me, at me.) I truly believe that part of the reason these guys would rush to the side of a white girl who had a bad day, before consoling me about my family member being in the hospital was because they felt I could handle it; I am a strong, independent black woman after all! And of course, this white girl was a helpless damsel in distress. It's like y'all just hear the term "black woman" and it institutes this idea of a woman patting her weave, being loud and obnoxious in public, ready to take off her shoes and earrings ready to 'cut a bitch' and so many of these guys wanted associate that stigma with me so badly and that's just not who I am (and that's not how most black women are). Either that, or they would mock my blackness because I was not that. "You're the whitest black girl I know" "You're not even black." "My little oreo." **NOTE TO ALL WHITE MEN OUT THERE, THESE ARE NOT COMPLIMENTS. I would hear guys describe white girls and mention use words like "classy, delicate/sensitive, dainty and beautiful" and they would describe me as "sturdy, opinionated, intimidating and sassy" of all my qualities, I truly do not believe those are the ones that stand out. (I'm probably the least intimidating person ever. It's just my face!) However, men of colour would often describe me using "classy, delicate and beautiful" and that was something different. The white guys I've been with just didn't make me feel good about myself. They didn't hold the door for me, pull out my chair, or even ask how I was doing. But felt more inclined to do it for a random white girl than their black girlfriend. And before we get into the age thing, my sister is 8 years older than me and shares these same feelings and experiences.

Online dating is one of those things where I realized white guys come at black girls and white girls differently. I had two of my friends (one white, one black) talk to me about their Plenty of Fish/OKCUPID experiences and while messages from white guys ranged between "hey sexy, damn your ass is [sic] *heart eye emoji*" and "Black girls don't really catch my eye but your sexy as hell [sic]" to one and between "Hello beautiful, how are you?" and "Hello my name is --- and I just wanted to say I think your smile is gorgeous" to the other. Now this even further confirmed my suspicions. I mean, if you want to pay a girl a compliment, pay her a compliment, but black girls very rarely get called beautiful/gorgeous, even in the media, it's always "sexy this, hot that" and while some enjoy that compliment.. the feeling after being called beautiful is much different from being called sexy or "hot."

Anyway, I started to steer away from white guys. I would lean more towards men of colour and it would take a little more for a white guy to get my attention than a man of colour. However, there may be many reasons for this; maybe I have just been dating the wrong white guys and again, I am still very young. Maybe I'm just not white guy's cup of tea. I am not saying all white guys are like this/the same, just the ones I've seen/been around. I'm also not saying I hate white guys or I'll never date a white guy again. It is just harder for me because they often make me feel so terrible about myself, now of course, not all of them will make me feel that way. This is just an answer to a question I get often.

Feel free to leave your thoughts, opinions, and questions below in the comments, but please be respectful and understand that this post was not in any way an attack on white men or women; this was not me reading white guys in and out, it is personal opinions and thoughts and if you have a different opinion, feel free to respectfully leave it in the comments and who knows, maybe you'll change my mindset. 


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