An Open Letter To Mr. Nice Guy And All His Friends (Slightly Explicit)

February 09, 2016

Mr. "not ready to commit" and the guy who "doesn't want to be held down..."

Disclaimer: WHEN I SAY "I" IN THIS BLOG POST, I AM NOT ALWAYS REFERRING TO MYSELF. THINK OF  "I" AS ALL GIRLS.  OR THE GIRL THAT SENT YOU THIS ARTICLE... This blog post isn't directly about me or anyone in particular. However, if the shoe fits.
Love is a motherf*cker.
Hookup culture is in the air, seemingly contaminating the male species. Guys starting off their introduction complimenting you whilst thoughtfully throwing in the fact they like to "have a good time" and are a "nice guy" and ending it with, something along the lines of "I'd like to get to know you/us to get to know each other." Expecting us to be sold as if the last 5 guys that weren't just trying to smash hadn't said the exact same thing. Look, I get it. Sex is fun. Flirting is fun. Having platonic relationships with sexual benefits is fun. I mean, isn't that what they make all the movies about (ignoring the fact they usually fall in love in the end, because movies aren't even realistic, right?) Isn't that what they make the songs about? Hitting it and quitting it? Fun. However, most girls when girls aren't into that, it's best to believe them. I'd like to start this open letter by stating and clarifying five important points:
  • When we say we aren't interested in being your f*#%buddy, we're sure.
  • I am not the problem. Neither are my feelings.
  • Dating isn't marriage
  • Just because you've been there, doesn't mean you're allowed to come back as you please. I don't owe you anything.
  • What are you bringing to the table? And why am I still trying to show you the table I brought?
As a girl reading this, you probably get it. As a male reading this, you're probably confused. I'll clarify. I've said this before and I will keep saying it, looking for casual sex isn't wrong. Do you. You don't have to play off the "nice guy" act and spend a couple days pretending you want to get to know more than just her body. (catch that Biebs reference) However, there are two things that go along with this; if that's what you're looking for, you should probably clarify that early on... This will let you know if she's into that early on and save you time and her emotional damage. Secondly, if you say this and a girl either: a) stops talking to you or b) says she isn't looking for that; she isn't a prude, a bitch or a slut (Yes, I must clarify that she is not a slut. Her not wanting to casually f%$k you, does not make her a slut.) Even more so, it's probably best not to try and convince her that this is what she wants. (Yes, encouraging pestering for naked snapchats and attempting to initiate phone sex on a regular also counts.) Why wouldn't I? You seem to think you're the shit, right? Obviously, you think your dick pics are my kryptonite. (Even though I countlessly say when it comes to physicals, I'm a "broad arms/shoulders, back and facial hair" type of girl- but nothing gets me wetter than a nice conversation)

Let me break it down for you, I'm a shy, but upfront girl. I don't necessarily want to date everyone I'm attracted to or that I shamelessly flirt with. I also don't want to have sex with everyone I'm attracted to or shamelessly flirt with. (Yeah, boys- girls don't work like that. We also don't want to date everyone we want to have sex with, much like you.) However, it's safe to assume that when the requirements are in place, (I'm attracted, I flirt, I want to date) that I would (at some point) like to have sex. At this point, I probably would've have told you that I wanted to date and you probably hit me back with the "I don't want to be held down" or the "I'm not ready" line - okay, valid. That's fine. But it is ridiculous of you to expect the "I want to date" to evaporate now because you don't want it there and we'll be purely left with the "I'm attracted, I flirt, I want to have sex." 

You don't like commitment, right? I've heard this one in many forms; "I'm not good at the whole "relationship" thing." "I'm not really looking for anything." "I'm not ready to commit to anything serious." "I'm just trying to go with the flow." "I really enjoy your company (*coughs* your body.)" "I thought we were just having fun, no strings attached." "I don't really think I'm ready to put myself out there (even though you were on a dating site? Aren't you still on said dating site?)"
Y'all are wasting (y)our time trying to twist and turn your words to construct your sentence in a way that doesn't involve the hard truth that reads; "I just wanted to f%$# you."

And you know how to avoid this situation? Be honest about your intentions from the get-go.

When you are overusing the term "commitment" in various forms, it confuses me. N%#$!, I am not trying to marry you. Please, do not be naive enough to ever think I am trying to marry you. The fantastic thing about dating is that you can get out of it in 5 words or less and we don't even have to fight over the house we don't own together or the kids we don't have! 

Or you could just say you just wanted to smash.

Being the "oh-so-chill" girl I am, for the most part when this happens- I like to define the relationship IMMEDIATELY rather than getting (entirely) in my feelings over the fact that you don't want to be with me. (I am doing you a favour and saving you emotional drama) "So, we're friends then?" No hard feelings. I will then go and list the terms and agreements of being friends with me. Which include NO SEX OR INTIMACY (OF ANY KIND) in big bold letters. Sign and initial on the dotted line. This isn't me being petty because you won't date me, this is me saying I don't do FWB.

You have broken the contract by only asking me to "chill" after dark.

You have broken the contract when you drunkenly called me and ask me to tell you what I wanted to do to you. (Which honestly, is nothing.)

You have broken the contract when you ask me to send you snapchats of my boobs.
You have broken the contract when you send me photos of your boner or tell me how "hard" I make you.
Stop breaking the contract.

Now, I'm not going to pretend I've never broken my own contract. Of course I have, I'm an emotional drunk emotional. I drunkenly text my exes and cry about relationships that never happened.
However, do not claim to be a nice guy and take advantage of this.
Also, Mr. Nice Guy (+ his friends), if I can do you the decency of not getting entirely in my feelings, I feel like you can do me the decency by not getting in yours and throwing a fit over the fact that I won't let you touch my boobs anymore. 
I am not the problem. Neither are my feelings. "Well, if you hadn't caught feelings, we could still have fun." No. Don't do relationship things if you don't want to be in a relationship. Don't act like a boyfriend if you don't want to be. And don't mask this with, "I was just being nice and then she caught feelings and got her feelings hurt."

Are you even that nice tho?
If you think she got her feelings hurt, probably not.
"You know I'm a nice guy, I don't judge." (In attempt to get me to talk dirty on the phone.)
"I've already seen ____, so why does it matter?"
"Just do it." "Well I did _____, so you should ______"
Boy, if you don't get. I DON'T OWE YOU ANYTHING.
I don't know when you men started to think that they are the prize and women should be proving themselves. I don't quite understand it. I find that we are constantly trying to prove ourselves to you and prove that we are worth your time. And the worst thing about this is that y'all sit there and decipher as if y'all got choices...

..and we don't...
You are probably less special than you think. Everyone is replaceable.

But what flabbergasts me is when you make tweets/share posts about how "all you want" is a "woman who can A, B AND C and respects herself/real women can A, B, C and treat their man right." or how "no woman is only texting one dude."

But you're a nice guy though.

I will explain these both to you.

As for the first type of remark, many of you couldn't tell a woman from a steak if you had a head cold. Are you really in a position to decide what makes a woman a real woman when you barely know what makes a man? You're still out here thinking your subliminal assholery is made up for the fact that you introduce yourself as a nice guy. Considering that when a woman possesses all qualities you believe fits a "real woman" (whatever that is) you are still willing to dismantle her entire existence because she won't sleep with you within the first few dates.

Because buying food means you deserve some kind of sexual favour.

As for the second remark.
For some reason, y'all have the constant need to be treated like a boyfriend without actually being a boyfriend, and I'm sorry to break it to you, sweetheart, but it just doesn't work that way. Hell, the majority of you do want a relationship? You know how I know that? Because you enjoy the luxury of texting all day, sharing the stresses of your day, going out, having someone to consistently have sex with.. You want all of this, you just don't want the title. Most of the time, when you're just FWB, we don't actually give a shit about you. We'll have an emotional disconnect, so you can't get upset when she's texting other dudes. Additionally, when there is an emotional connection (sans FWB), if she's talking to another dude, it may be for the following reason:

Sometimes, y'all can be really disappointing. Sometimes, you aren't necessarily up front about what you want, so it can seem like a waste of time to us to invest all of our time into one dude that in the end was just trying to smash. It isn't always a sign of "hoe-like" behaviours, it is kind of like a time-saving defense mechanism. When one guy turns out to be an 'ain't shit dude' he gets dropped and it doesn't hurt as much because you have two others who are 'potential bae' material. But once we've found one that we're sure about, all the others get dropped.

Now, don't look at this and get all in your feelings- it's nothing personal. I feel like some guys also do  this, but I could be wrong (even though I'm not) This is a product of wasted time and broken hearts.

Every guy claims to be a nice guy nowadays and it's hard to weed out the nice guys from the "nice guys."

When it really comes down to it, it's hard to blame you. Hookup culture is the culture. Everything around you tells you that no matter who you are, what you look like, how you act, etc, etc, etc, as 'man' you deserve sex, regardless of the form. So, we can't expect much different. However, let's not bare false pretenses when we know what the motive is.

I encourage men everyone to be better when it comes to relationships and other people's feelings and emotions. We are all very fragile and delicate.

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