WHAT TO DO WHEN SOMEONE HAS YOU F$#!ED UP

February 23, 2016


This blog post is so impromptu. So it's probably gonna be a mess.

photo: tumblr
Like I said, I hadn't planned to make this blog post (clearly, as I am posting this in the evening), so forgive me if it's all over the place. (although, not much different from my planned/other thought blogs..)

I was originally gonna call this post, "What To Do When Someone Tries To F$!# Up Everything You've Tried To Become.." but then I realized how long it was and how sappy it sounded- because the truth is, you are not a little bitch and someone just has you f#!@ed up. 

I'm going to get real personal with you all for a second, (because I never get personal on here) when I was younger, people didn't respect me. Not in a sense where you don't "respect" someone because they aren't "respectful" but in a way where people didn't treat me like a person. I was shy and respectful, and always catered to everyone's feelings. It seemed like I was the only kid in Catholic school that "Do unto others..." (Luke 3:16 / Matthew 7:12 NCV) actually stuck to. Now, fast forward to today and not much has changed. I still cater to the feelings of others immensely, even those who aren't necessarily deserving. However, the difference between then and now is that I refuse to be disrespected and that makes people real mad.

The thing about people is that their favorite thing to do is get mad at you when you treat them how they treat you or prevent them from treating you in a way that you don't like. Especially, when you used to be silent in the face of their mistreatment. The reason I was going to name this "What To Do When Someone Tries To F--- Up Everything You've Tried To Become" is because many of us have certain things that trigger us. These things are often kept private and we have a hard time opening up to people about them in fear of them judging us or using them against us, becoming vulnerable, etc. because it's harder for us to pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off after having these "triggers" mentioned. I try not to do that- my triggers? My weight. My race in regards to beauty and/or intelligence. Don't call me fat. I'd prefer if people didn't refer to my weight. I've struggled with my weight for most of my life. Anything that you can think of that may come with being insecure about your weight, I most likely had/did. Don't associate my race with my failures. Don't tell me I'm pretty for a black/"dark-skin" girl. Don't tell me I can or can't do something because I'm black. Do not tell me I don't deserve something because I'm black. These are a result of bullying in school and attending schools where you were the only black person in the entire school. Not your class. YOUR SCHOOL

However, do I cry every time someone calls me fat? No. I don't even get upset most times. Is it annoying as hell? Yes, ma'am. I still refuse to hide the fact I was insecure about my weight. Why? Because that's the quickest way I can scope out the assholes. Do I still have my days where I wanna take up old habits? Of course. There are days where I hate my body, there are days where I'm not confident in who I am. However, when you've worked so hard to reverse the brainwashing of being in an environment where you felt bad about yourself constantly and being surrounded by people who made you feel bad about yourself constantly, it's really annoying when people try to take that from you. Now, I'm not outright going to tell someone I first meet about all the emotional baggage that I carry, however, if there comes a time where they say something I am uncomfortable with, I will politely (depending on the context) let them know that is something that I don't appreciate and I'll tell them why. Should this person continue to bring this up regularly or when they are upset, they're an asshole and they need to go. 

However, sometimes it's not that simple. Here are a few things you can do when someone has you f@$!ed up.

STRANGERS

Strangers who just come in and shit all over your life are the worst type of people. In the case where it's a stranger, (in my case it's usually strangers) - you don't need to explain yourself to anyone who hasn't been in your life longer than a minute. (Definition of "minute" if you aren't familiar.) You just need to show 'em your favorite finger and tell them to shove it. Remind yourself that the opinions of strangers matter the least out of anyone. If you put it into perspective, this person is sitting there (or at home behind a computer/phone screen - this is their favorite) feeling so good about themselves because they managed to show you the little, tiny cock that is their personality with a few words. 

Sometimes, you feel like giving them a piece of your mind. (Rightfully so, they've got you so fucked up) If you are emotionally ready to deal with an argument with a complete idiot, go ahead. As long as you are prepared to deal with the equivalent of arguing with a 4-year-old, please, help yourself. However, most people will look at this and use one of those "advisory comments" like, "Why would you waste your time arguing with a stranger?" "Be the bigger person, two wrongs don't make a right." "You're wasting your time." "They feed off your reaction." "What does this say about you?" - or other bullshit (Yes, bullshit!) along those lines. 

This is my "unpopular opinion" moment because I get this a lot and it will truly be the bane of my existence. This is a form of victim-blaming you will get from your friends and family members (people who are supposed to 'support' you and sometimes even the stranger) especially when it's online. You see this a lot when celebrities reply to hate comments. Many times when you rant about this online argument you had and they will hit you with one or more of those advisory comments. Instead of recognizing the stupidy of this stranger going out of their way to insult you, they cannot fathom the idea of you taking the time out of your day to put a stranger in check because they got you fucked up. Of course, I understand what they are saying- but it can often come off as penalization for refusing to allow people (yes, even trolls on the internet) disrespect you. "Well, you know you get upset after arguments, so don't complain about it. If you hadn't engaged in this argument, you wouldn't be upset." (That one is my personal favorite. 'You know you get upset after arguments') 

Personally, I encourage everyone to stand up for themselves, even if it's to a stranger. After that conversation, they most likely won't fuck with you again. The situation at hand is that someone fucked with you and you stood up for yourself, regardless of the outcome of the argument. Sometimes, it makes you feel better to put someone in check. So, if you are an "advisory commenter," try not to be. It's really not your place to tell someone how to react to being insulted and standing up for themselves. 

PEOPLE YOU KNOW

Sometimes, it's not that simple. Sometimes, it's a friend or family member. You can't really cut off family members, but you can friends. Of course, I'd advise you to talk to them first and let them know how their words or actions are affecting you because it's not always their intention to hurt you. The most crucial thing in these predicaments is to weed out who is intentionally trying to bring you down and who just doesn't know that they are affecting you negatively. Unfortunately, some people are truly oblivious to the fact that words actually carry weight.

In the case of a family member or another situation where you can't necessarily 'cut' them off or you can't talk to them about it, all you can do at this point is separate yourself from it emotionally. Realize that sometimes people are just unkind and it's not really about you. You can't take ownership of other people's bullshit. The best thing you can do for yourself is to emotionally disconnect yourself from that type of bullshit, whatever their 'reasoning' may be for be an asshole, it's not about you and it is not your job to fix it. The comments and opinions of others are not a reflection of your worth.

YOURSELF

You are your greatest critic, your best friend and your worst enemy. Sometimes, I believe attacking yourself is far worse than having any outside person attacking you. All I can say about this is something that my mother told my sister and my sister told me,

(translated from swahili/sena/mny mom's attitude)

"So many people out in the world are going to be against you and try to bring you down. Why should you also be one of those people? If there's anyone that's gonna be on your side, it might as well be you."

And of course. Here's a playlist to help you deal (or not deal) with that bullshit.



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