How To Be An Online Dating Professional | *content warning*

June 26, 2016

Happy Sunday! It's been such a busy month, and I'm doing my best not to lag on the blog posts, but as I said two blog posts ago, it's been pretty hard to sit down and write. But this morning, I have inspiration. Take out your notepads, kids. I'm going to teach y'all how to be an online dating PROFESSIONAL. Much like yours truly. 
Step One: Pick Your Poison.

Which dating site are you going to use? (Perhaps my online dating segment might give you a little insight.)
Tinder, Where you will probably waste a lot of time, find the finest people in your area just for them to disappoint you.
OKCupid, The well-put-together dating app that just lacks variety and decent people.. It has good intentions though.
PlentyOfFish, The low-budget dating app that will probably result in a sugar daddy/mama.
Or if you want to be disappointed to your full extent, go in for all three. 

Step Two: Set Up Your Account.

Okay, with Tinder, it basically does that for you - you connect it to your facebook where it'll then tell you it never posts to facebook and they simply want to acquire all your personal info, such as your name, your birth date, your work and school information, your friends list, your "likes" and your social insurance number. Then you gotta pick 6 photos which you can get from your facebook or upload.

PRO TIP: Tinder is all about the appearance. It's about how you present yourself. The selfies you choose are critical. This is a person's first impression of you. So you wanna be classy, and display all your talents. Choose a nice picture of you streaking or naked, wasted outta your mind (points for a dick drawn on your face) ALWAYS follow those photos with a picture of you with small children on a mission trip, maybe even a photo of you and a dog, it doesn't even have to be YOUR dog. Bitches just love dogs. Then write something really original in your bio like "I love my dog more than I'll ever love you." or "I only swiped right for your dog." (But we'll get to all that in step 3) Or take a picture from an angle so terrible, you have to work to find it. Post a picture with your really attractive friend so that people think you're the attractive one in the photo, but jokes on them.. you're not :) If you're a "fitness-type" post pictures of your abs or back, just so they know that you work out - don't worry, we're also going to tell them 4 different ways in your bio. Just so they're sure that you LIVE to work out. Ladies, post some yoga pics. The ones where you're BUSTIN' WIDE OPEN. And I mean, WIDE OPEN. Let these dudes know you can do a split on a....

And if you REALLY wanna get those super likes, post a picture with your ex- but cut out their face and write "THIS COULD BE YOU" in place of it. Even though we know that we're just here to fuck.

OKCupid is a little bit of a lengthy process, they ask so many questions that you can just answer with random answers because obviously, they're not there for any reason.

PRO TIP: Make sure when you put in your age if you're over 35, set it to anywhere between 18 and 21. Then pick the worst photos of you to put up. Points for ones where you can barely see your face.

Plenty of Fish equally asks many questions, but like OKCupid, just answer with random shit.

PRO TIP: When they ask you your zodiac sign, make it anything other than your actual zodiac sign. If you're a Libra (like myself) make it something opposite of you, like a Leo or a Gemini. When they ask your height, take your real height and add 5" to it. If you're white, make sure you set your race/ethnicity to "Black/African-American" because we all know you're black somewhere else, am I right? But then when you go on a date and the person looks slightly different than they do in their picture, accuse them of being a catfish.

Step Three: YOUR BIO.

Of course, your bio doesn't actually matter. No one reads that shit. In no condition should you ever read anyone's bio before swiping right or conversing with them. You don't need to know anything about them other than whether or not they're hot.

Tinder: Honestly, you can leave this blank if you want. But if you wanna look like you give a shit (not too much of a shit, though, we don't show emotion), you can put a couple emojis that you like in there, that indicate the hobbies you don't have. Like maybe, a soccer ball even though you play baseball. Maybe a globe because you wanna travel. The flexing arm emoji because you like to work out. (Even if you don't work out, just tell them that you do) Be sure you mention that again somewhere, in some variation, bitches love people who work out. You can put your airport or area code somewhere in there. Mention you're "not actually 25" because you signed up for facebook when you were 12 years old and lied about your age (but never actually say how old you are.) Make sure you mention that you just wanted to "try this out" and you like to have a"good time." Maybe promote your soundcloud link.

PRO TIP: Maybe put in a sarcastic quote about dogs or say something like "Only swipe right if you got a fat ass/big tits" just so nobody thinks you're an asshole and discriminate against dogs, fat asses or big tits.

OKCupid: OKCupid asks specific questions, which is stupid as fuck. Like, why would someone wanna know specifics about someone on a dating site? You can basically answer it all with bs. Random letters if you're really a badass. Talk about how much you like rap in there. And mention that you workout multiple times.

PRO TIP: OKC has this multiple choice questionnaire system thing, make sure you choose the most sexual, degrading, offensive and idiotic answer at all times.

POF: There should be nothing in your bio that is more than three letters. Either "ask" or "dtf."

PRO TIP: Under "first date" write something like "your choice" or "dinner & a movie" because you know there's not gonna be a first date. You gon' hit it in a car and dip, but we gotta sell these bitches dreams so we can ask them why they catchin' feelings when they do. If you a real one, you can go in for the "netflix & chill" (but there ain't gon' be no netflix unless it's theirs.)

Step Four: The Execution.

Tinder: SWIPE RIGHT ON EVERYONE. Who even cares. Don't read anyone's bio. Ever. When you match, only read their bio if you need an ice breaker. Never be bothered read the whole bio. Pick the trait and then talk to them about it (it's impressive to care about what people like or something?) Then tell them that they're pretty and that you like their picture where they are showing the most ass or boobs. Disregard everything they say and answer with a sexual compliment/comment.

PRO TIP: If you do read someone's bio and you realize they have "not here for hookups" or something along those lines in their bios - disregard it completely. This is a challenge. And when they tell you that directly, dismiss it and tell them you think they're a nice person and you wanna get to know them and you're "not that kind of person." Exchange no more than 4 non-sexual messages (maybe try to get a number or snapchat) before bringing up the topic of sex for a second or third time. If once again, they tell you they aren't dtf, unmatch that bitch.

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OKC: Message anyone and everyone. Make sure your first message is some bullshit.

PRO TIP FOR GUYS: If the girl is a person of color, tell her how much you love women of her race (even if you're of the same race). Call her exotic. If you're different races, tell her that you love -insert celebrity of her race.- If she's white, tell her you like unseasoned food; water is too spicy anyway. (If you're not white and she is, make sure you bring down women of your own race a little bit. Make sure she knows you're self-hating.) If she's thick (or even if she's not), tell her you like your girls "BBW." Make vulgar comments about her body. Maybe ask for a photo of her feet. Give her your number right off the bat. Don't waste any time.

PRO TIP FOR THE LADIES: Say thank you when he's rude/offensive. We don't want to tell them that anything that they say is wrong or offensive. We must be able to take a "joke" and refrain from being "bitches." Send him your boobs when he asks. Don't ever disagree with him or take too long to reply. Don't damage his ego. When the 55 y/o says he's too old for you 19 y/o ass, this is bait for you to say "NOOO, I LIKE OLDER GUYS" so he feels better about being a creep. When he asks if you "swallow" the answer is always "yes."

POF: Message everyone and anyone.

PRO TIP: Don't say anything more than "Hi" or type up a long pre-written message that includes something about how you "read their profile and think they're interesting and would like to get to know them better." knowing damn well you ain't read that profile. Send the same message to everyone. Makes the process go faster.


That's it. You won. Y'all fuckin' tonight. You're welcome. Get ya nudes.

Extra Pro Tips: (Because I'm feeling nice)

- Don't get in a relationship. Ever. Yeah, it's called an "online dating site" but it's more like an "online laying site" am I right?!?!?!
- For real, though. No one dates anymore. Don't give anyone the boyfriend/girlfriend title. No matter how much y'all act like a couple.
- Make sure you tell everyone you met on Tinder. Everyone.
- Invite them over/try to make plans within seconds of talking to them. Who cares if you know their name or not?
- Don't ever catch feelings. If they catch feelings, you better tell them you're not ready for a relationship and dip. Maybe start talking to their best friend.
- Never close or stop using your OD account just because you "talking." You keep that shit up. Is there a ring on your finger? No? Then there's always room for more hoes.
- Make sure when you get a number you text them constantly and reply in a timely manner for no longer than a week. Then stop talking to them altogether if y'all ain't fucked yet.
- If you think there's still hope, just take hours to reply and then don't text them for a day or two, maybe even a month. Then pop back up with some "Hey Stranger ;)" bullshit.
- If they don't at least give you head on the first date, be done with 'em.
- Waste everyone's time.
- Cancel last minute and give some excuse about how your car broke or you had some family drama.
- Be insanely boring and dry af then accuse them of having a lack of personality.
- Ask for nudes daily.
- If they don't look EXACTLY like their profile picture, call 'em a catfish. Order food, ditch 'em with the bill on the date. That's what you get for not looking exactly like your two-dimensional OD profile pic.
- Make a blog post throwing shade at and complaining about every person you've met on an online dating site, then continue to use online dating sites.
    You're officially an OD Pro. You're welcome.

    Any questions?

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