The Worst 'Date' I Have Ever Been On

June 04, 2016

Happy Saturday! I woke up this morning to 20,000 reads on my Tinder blog post. 20,000. How crazy is that! So, in honour of 20,000 reads I'm going to tell you the story of the worst date I have ever been on. It wasn't really a "date" but you get the point. I never thought I'd actually tell this story, but here I am. I swear, this blog consists of me doing/saying things I never thought I would.

Back in the day, when facebook was poppin', everyone was adding everyone. "I ain't never seen you in my life, but we have 52 mutual friends, so Im'ma add you" type of situation. So, one day I got a friend request from a dude who we will call Tino, because he had an uncanny resemblance to Tino Tonitini from "The Weekenders." I added him because it seemed he went to a neighbouring high school, (I was in Junior High). His profile picture was a car or something, which seemed to be a trend amongst teenage boys (and still seems to be a trend, unfortunately.) He messaged me, "Hey, what's up?" about 15 different times before I replied. I ignored his messages for weeks hoping it would eventually stop. Eventually, he changed his profile picture to a photo of himself. A mirror pic taken on his LG EnV2, (That, alone, should tell you how old this story is.) He was wearing a snapback turned slightly to the side and was dressed nicely, so I thought he was kinda cute. That's when I replied and that was my first mistake. (This is when I learned to not trust judgment based on looks alone.)

We had a normal conversation, which didn't go beyond 'How old are you?' (He was 15 or 16, I was 13  at the time) "What do you like to do for fun?" and lasted about 10 minutes before I stopped replying (I haven't changed in the slightest.) From then on, we talked every day, lengths varying based on how interested I was in the conversation, I was barely interested in him. (Again, I have not changed in the slightest.) He kept insisting we go on a date, which I would kindly decline- in which he decided to pester me for a lunch date. I kept mentioning that our lunches were at different times and my school required a note for you to leave the campus. (because I was literally a baby and had no business seeing this high-schooler.)

One day I decided to walk home (I lived in the North-end of the town and my school was in the South-end. It was about an hour and a half walk, I don't know why I chose that for myself) I stopped at a convenience store that was across from both my school and the high school just so I could buy an unholy amount of sour candies and eat them on the way home. (Still, not much has changed - Sour Soothers are a food group.) I ended up running into Tino Tonitini. I didn't recognize him because he wasn't wearing a hat, but he noticed me, and came right up behind me and pinched my sides (This was a weird thing that people did around that time because it would make the person flinch or something?) And I let out a small squeal because he startled me and I thought I was about to get kidnapped or something. When I finally made out who he was, I was mortified. Firstly because he called me "Carla."

But also because he looked different. I mean, his face looked the same but...

Let me tell y'all something about dudes, hats and clothes, okay. A dude can be a 2 and if he puts on a hat, the right clothes, the right shoes (Y'all are gonna hate me for this, but not a dude's idea of nice shoes, a woman's idea of nice shoes- Don't be comin' up on this date in no elaborate ass Adidas or complex ass Jordan's. Keep it simple. Timbs, Vans, or Chuck's at the very least...but I'm not hating...) dude instantly becomes a 10. But once he takes off that hat, and is wearing Osiris, (and not even the decent high top Osiris, like the chunky ass lowtop ones - those were his exact shoes.) and a mustard stained t-shirt (in which he apologized for by saying, "my bad - had a couple hot dogs earlier" - are you a child? that stain is the size of my fist.) he goes right down to a -7. And even with looks aside, homeboy was a -12.

He asked me how I was and kept saying that I was more beautiful in person, (wish I could say the same..) and blah, blah, blah. Then he asked me if I wanted to go over to his house and before he even finished asking the question, I was like, "Sorry, I can't. I live really far away and I gotta make it home before it gets dark, lots of homework to do too and oh, my chores, yadda yadda yadda." He asked me where I lived and I said, "Way up north by -insert grocery store here-" and that's when I realized that I done fucked up and there ain't no goin' back from there. Dude, was like, "I don't care what you say, I'm walking you. It'd be so wrong of me to not walk you. It'll be like a date." I was declining left and right. Trying to make excuses as to why he couldn't. Eventually, he agreed to walk me to said-grocery store.

So, we go up to pay for our things at the convenience store and I put my bag of sour soothers and water bottle on the counter (I try to balance out everything with a bottle of water.. still haven't changed.) and he sets his bag of chips, gum, black licorice (I'm telling you, this dude was a savage.) and monster energy drink right beside mine. And I'm thinking, oh, he must be paying, that's so nice. WRONG. Dude asks if I can get this because he left his wallet at school. Well, sorry homeboy, you better run across the street and get it. But because back then I was the biggest pushover, I paid. Mad as hell because his shit was expensive and took basically all the money I had. After paying, he nudges me and says "Thanks, you're a doll." BOY IF YOU DON'T GET- I almost punched that nigga square in his crooked ass teeth, talkin' 'bout "you're a doll" - kiss my ass, Tino.

When we walked out and I offered to walk with him to get his wallet at "school." And he says, "nah, I'll get it on Monday." as I'm side-eyeing the wallet-size lump in his back pocket. We walk for a while in silence in which I was thinking I should put headphones in, but he breaks the silence with "Wanna play 21 Questions?" And I'm sitting there like,

Really? But push-over me, was like, sure, I guess? And he says, "you go first." So, I'm thinking I'm going to be strategic. Ask innocent questions and hope it never gets sexual. So I ask, What is your favorite subject?" I KID YOU NOT, HE SAYS "Lunch. Are you a virgin?"

I said, "I'm 13." and he replies, "Oh, okay. A virgin." There was an awkward silence for about 6 seconds before he says, "Do you want to be?"

"I don't know?" "Okay, well, you have a really nice body." "Thanks?" He reached over and grabbed my hand. THIS BOY'S HAND WAS WET. LIKE HE WAS SWEATY AF. LIKE HE TRIED TO WASH MY HAND IN HIS HAND SWEAT. I cringed. He then said, "I just think black girls are so hot." 

Awkward silence as we continue walking, dude chewing on his black licorice like a muhfuhin' cow and I'm just counting the steps until we get to the grocery store. He kept pulling me closer to him and I would move away because he didn't smell the greatest... (Now, I'm not picky with smells, I can take some body odour, I'm not a little bitch.. everyone gets sweaty sometimes. But this nigga had not bathed. He smelled like cigarettes, black licorice and resentment) He was also a very close talker. Dude wasn't even smoking at the time and I felt like I was putting myself in danger by inhaling his exhale.

We walked in silence as we got closer to the grocery store, I could see the sign and I wanted to cry tears of happiness. Then the dude goes, "Wanna stop at the park?" and I'm like, "For what?" and he's like, "To spend more time together and have a little fun." His hand leaves mine, he pulls me into him and travels his hand down my back to my ass. I'm 13, a virgin, about to get Confirmed at church. I nearly jumped off the bridge we were walking on. He laughs, and says "Maybe next time, gorgeous."
I'm sitting there, like dude do not touch me." 

More silence as we approach the grocery store. He then asks me if I want him to walk me the whole way. I said no without hesitation. He asked why.

"WHY?!" You have the nerve to ask why? Lift your armpits, look at your shirt, look down at your shoes, examine your bank account, check your hair, step back, look at your life and then you'll realize why I don't want yo ass to walk me home. Bye, Tino.

All that translated to, "because it's far. I'm good, bye." He says, "Wait, can I borrow a ten for a taxi?" 

 I turn to walk away as if I didn't hear him and dude pulls my arm nearly out of it's socket, pull me in and kisses me. Now, this may be one of- no, this definitely is, the worst kiss I've ever had. Not only was it wet and sloppy, I felt like he was trying to literally suck on the entire lower half of my face, he then groped my B cup titties, and tried to stick his hand down my pants. IN FRONT OF A GROCERY STORE. I pulled away so quick and basically ran away.

So, I start hyperventilating and trying to calm myself down on the way home because at 13 I was a ball of anxiety and I was just uncomfortable and anxious and as I'm doing this I realize there is something in my mouth. I start chewing on it, thinking it was gum.. 

But it tasted disgusting. Too distraught to care, I'm sitting there like,

then realized I didn't have gum earlier... Instantly, I spit out a large chunk of black licorice that had transferred from Tino's mouth to mine, during that face-sucking session. I burst out into tears. Hysterically crying.  Then I vomited on the side of the road.

Thinking about it now, I still want to vomit.

I went home showered, brushed my teeth, drank bleach, burned my clothes and then lit myself on fire.

I cried for most of the night and then received a facebook message at midnight reading, "I had a lot of fun today, maybe even more fun next time ;)" I ignored it and started figuring out how to get out of this situation.

During the following week, this boy messaged me every day, at all times during the day. In middle school, you weren't allowed to have your phone on you ever- it was supposed to stay in your locker from the first bell to the last one. Within the 6 and a half hours I was at school, I would recieve anywhere between 50 and 100 messages from this dude. He thought it was real cute. Ranging from "Hey beautiful" to sending me random selfies to dick pics. Immediately, I hit that block. I avoided him for a week and a half and then school was out so I never saw him again.

He worked at grocery store now in the town and whenever I saw him I would run the other way...

Dudes be crazy.

Thanks again for 20,000 reads. Y'all are the GOAT.

You Might Also Like


Let's be friends