What I Learned After Spending An Entire Year Being In Love With Love

November 04, 2016



It's been so long since I've actually made a blog post. I feel like I haven't had the time to just sit down and write. I'm so glad (and rather surprised) that people still frequent my (recently inactive) blog. Of course, I will try to come back more often to divulge all my feelings and unnecessary psychobabble, and let you all know about the crazy, unfortunate shit that keeps happening to me. But for now, if you'd like to know what I've been up to, you can check out: Narcity Calgary.



"When you make plans, God laughs."

I turned 19 last month. And thinking about it all is pretty interesting because I live entirely inside my head. I overthink everything, I plan out everything, everything I do is carefully planned out in my head and has some greater meaning. I had this idea of how my life would be and about a month before, everything changed. I'd like to think it was all for the better - but the reality of it is, I hate change and it fucking sucked.

I had gotten a new opportunity that I am ever-so-thankful for, but is very demanding. I had gone through my second heartbreak in a year (we'll get into that.) I learned a lot about myself. And came to many realizations. (This is just the year of realizing things, you know?) And for once, I was honest with myself.

I'm sure you're all confused by the fact that I said "my second heartbreak in a year." I know by the looks of my blog, it seems like there's been many, but that's where the whole "being honest with myself" thing comes in. I had many "flings" in the past year. (You all know this, I blogged about almost all of them.) But honestly, I only had true feelings for two people in the past year. (That's not to say I didn't like my flings - but it was something different with the other two.)

At the beginning of that year, I met a guy that I actually liked. Like, actually liked. (Oh, did I mention that I came to the realization that I don't actually like people?) That ended, not terribly, of course. The real heartbreaks never do for me. It's usually a calm, "I'll leave you alone now" type of situation. (I learned that's how I deal when I'm really hurt.)

I spent all the months after that trying to fill that void. "Rebounding" as some may call it. The whole online dating thing made this extremely easy for me. I would always try to find bits of that last guy in every guy I'd talk to and if he wasn't similar enough - I'd drop them. (I know, I'm awful.)

Surprisingly, I found a safe haven in a guy I thought would be a rebound/fling. Physically, he was similar to the first guy but that isn't necessarily what drew me to him. I still don't really know exactly what about him interested me and why the hell I couldn't shake him. It could've been the fact that it seemed like he was barely interested me at all, a borderline asshat, and was almost everything I [thought I] wanted but so far from it at the same time. (I have a type.) Or maybe that he seemed damaged and my favourite thing in the world is to find people to fix. And of course, I caught feelings and kept trying to tell myself I didn't. (I fuck myself over this way.) Which literally made no sense because I barely knew the guy.

This was new to me because I hadn't actually felt real feelings in a while. I found myself raving about all of his traits that later became complaints. Why? Because I started to like him. Everything I didn't care about in my flings, I started to care about - because I actually liked him. When I like someone, I like attention, which I was not getting. I like that sappy shit and pet names, which I was not getting. I like communication, which I was not getting. And being who I am, I did two things: 1. I blamed myself. I wasn't enough. I couldn't fix him. (I'm thinking I'm not doing enough as I was about to buy him a floor seat to one of his favorite artists...) 2. I thought maybe if I talked to him about it, he'd care enough to be... better. I was wrong.

The truth of the matter is, my Libra Sun/Taurus Moon ass is a pleasure seeker. I'm in love with love. I'm in love with the idea of love.

Not that I was "in love" in any shape or form, but I liked the idea of affection. I'm a sap. And I was never able to admit it to myself or anyone else because it kinda meant it'd be real. And when I decided I would be honest about my feelings for once (second guy) - it wasn't mutual and that fucked me up. That was a different kind of hurt, and it was mostly because he couldn't do me the decency of saying it. I needed closure and I didn't get it.

After repeatedly asking the universe what could possibly be the purpose for having him in my life was, since I felt I learned nothing and gained nothing but lost sleep, emotional exhaustion and hurt feelings - while simultaneously asking the universe to bring him back and hoping he would call or text, I realized that it probably wasn't about me. And I didn't learn anything until after the fact. I was so angry and hurt but I realized I didn't need to be. What was the point? Who was I mad at? Sure, I felt - and still slightly feel wronged - but I can't be upset with people for who they are. He told me he couldn't be what I wanted. Many times I tried to leave the situation and I brought myself back. Why? The slight possibility of it working out outweighed every thing that bothered me about the situation. The 3 days that he gave me what I needed emotionally (or tried to anyway) outweighed the 3 weeks that he didn't.

I learned I don't deserve half-assed affection. Especially when I do my best to give my full ass and then some. I learned that learning about myself improves how I view relationships and how I behave in them. I also learned a little about self-worth. I don't need to cling onto small inklings of affection. I learned how to be enough for myself and not find happiness in others. I also learned how amazing it feels when someone is willing to give you unlimited affection and satisfy that emotional aspect of you.

The positive thing about this situation is that I get over things rather quickly. I move on rather quickly. I forgive rather quickly. While that could possibly be a negative because I let people back in with as little as an apology or an explanation.


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