November 13, 2017

**This post contains explicit language/subject matter**

Hey y'all. Happy Mandem Monday.

Today, we gon' talk about time. I'm sure you've all heard the sayings "Time is of the essence." "Time is money.", "Time heals all wounds.", etc, etc. Your time is precious and it is not something to be wasted, especially by other people. Wasting time in general sucks, but ain't it something else to have another person waste your time?

People are creative, there are many ways to mistreat a person - but one of the worst, in my opinion, is wasting another person's time (in the sense of relationships, of course.) There are different degrees of relationship time-wasting. All of them are built on the basis of dishonesty. Not being honest about your intentions or your feelings.

Now, time-wasting knows no gender, however, on Mandem Mondays we're talking to you, men. Generally, men can be the biggest time bandits of all due to a combination of uncertainty and their naturally "loose" time frame. So, I'm going to help you understand women:

Our time frame isn't so loose. For the most part, women know what they want. Women think 10 steps ahead while the average man thinks about 1-2. (If we're lucky, honestly.) Men tend to tackle obstacles as they come. "I just live in the moment. Go with the flow." is something you are about 90% more likely to hear come from the mouth of a man. (not actual stats) Women usually know their intentions with you from the minute they become involved with you. These intentions can change, of course, but more often there is "add-ons" rather than full-out changes.

Example: After the first date, (and sometimes even before) women usually make the decision on whether they would be interested in being in a relationship, being friends, being friends with benefits, being the dude we just meet up with to buy us food or never speaking again.

Women: "I've found my next potential boyfriend."
Men: "Yeah, she was cool, we'll see where things go."

Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with needing more time to feel someone out. Most of the time women do too, but we're easily excited and just get that initial vibe that we tend to cling on to until it changes. He's great until he's not.

Now, the issue of time-wasting comes in when the man has figured out his intention and withholds them. There are different reasons for this, maybe you're not ready to disclose your feelings (maybe you don't disclose your feelings... which is a whole other issue for a whole other Mandem Monday). More commonly, what you want is not what she wants. Maybe she wants a relationship, maybe you like whatever you two have going on. This is where things get a little rocky.

I've mentioned before in my "Open Letter To Mr. Nice Guy" blog post about being honest about your intentions. Although I wrote that blog post long ago while emotional and angry that yet another guy had wasted my time, I still stand by a good portion of what I mentioned in the post. Be honest about your intentions.

I know this is hard to do for some of you because you risk losing that comfort. We as humans become very comfortable in situations and men have a fear of change. We can have great sex, even better conversations, be cuddled up every weekend but we're not in a relationship though. That label will ruin everything. Some of you aren't ready for a relationship or just don't want one, which is fair enough, but it is deceitful to have a woman under the impression that eventually, you will want a relationship with her when in reality, whatever situationship y'all have going on is all you want. You cannot be giving a girl "bae/boyfriend vibes" then be like "I don't know why she in her feelings." "I don't know why she went and fell in love." BROTHER. You are the reason she is in her feelings and went and fell in love. Did you tell her not to catch feelings? Did you tell her not to fall in love? No? Then the only one you have to blame here is yourself.

I once had a guy tell me not to fall in love with him and ended up being the one to tell me he loved me. My response? I laughed. Now, I wasn't trying to be mean at all, but the dude told me not to fall in love with him, so I put in a conscious effort to not. The situation was almost uncomfortable. In my head, the relationship just wasn't serious. I had to almost work to put myself in the "Okay, this is serious" headspace. It took a while and by the time I did, the relationship had gone to shit (or maybe he had gone to shit, who knows.) Anyway, my point is: I did what he asked.

The thing about women is: We listen when you talk. Most of the time, when you tell a [mature] woman you don't want a relationship - 9 out of 10 times we won't try to convince you. And if we do and get our heartbroken, we're not going to blame you. You told us, we are the ones who didn't listen. However, more times than not, we won't try to convince you, we will be a little upset and "leave" you. And that's what I know you're all worried about.

My sister once told me, "if parting ways would feel like a breakup, it's probably a relationship." and I completely agree. I'll give it to you straight: you can get pussy anywhere. You can get dick anywhere. You can get sex anywhere. A woman isn't going to feel special because you like her enough to have sex with her and give her "relationship vibes" but not enough to be in said relationship. And if what she wants is a relationship, she reserves the right to leave your ass! Do not lie about your intentions to allow the situation continue for your own personal benefit when you know that's not what she wants. That's messed up. If her leaving to find an actual relationship will affect you that terribly, you need to rethink your feelings. I hate to break it you, brother, but you might actually like this girl.

Now, that's speaking to the younger generation of men, where time-wasting isn't really anything more than annoying and low-key offensive for a woman. But when you get older, time-wasting becomes "time-stealing" which is a serious offense. Again, y'all have the "loose" time frame. A 30-year-old man can hold off on marriage and kids for another 5, 10, even 15 years. A 30-year-old woman cannot. Not only does she probably not want to, but she physically cannot. The average woman's fertility begins to decline in her early 30's. Speeding up between 35-40, leaving her only a 5% chance of becoming pregnant every month. So you can see how your time-wasting can be an issue, especially when she wants multiple children.

Whether it's being in a steady relationship for years and neglecting to propose because marriage scares you or you don't want to get married or you'd rather just go to work, come home and play video games, grab a beer or hit up the club with the boys on the weekends with little to no responsibility or it's just not committing or getting in serious relationships when you're at an age where you should be: these are time-wasting qualities. (Keep in mind that soon "the boys" will become "the men/the husbands/the fathers" with families of their own and those girls at the club will be half your age... but that's a whole other blog post and I'm not going to tell anyone how to live their lives... *sips tea*) Be honest. Don't have women out here waiting for rings that'll never be bought and relationships that'll never happen. If you're not feeling the situation or you just don't want that for yourself, let her go find the right person/the person that does want that.

No one wants to be remembered as another person's biggest waste of time.

To help y'all out, I've compiled a few ways you can tell a girl that you don't want the same thing:

  • "I have to be honest and I don't want to waste your time, I'm just not in a place to be in a relationship right now."
  • "I really like you as a person, but I don't feel the same way."
  • "I enjoyed what we have, but I don't think I can imagine this going any further."
  • "Listen, I ain't shit." (a personal favorite)
  • "I'd rather come home to Pornhub and my Xbox than a wife and kids."
  • "I can't commit to anything or anyone."
  • "I just wanna chill and enjoy life. I don't want to be tied down." (This is y'alls personal favorite. DON'T EVER USE THIS AGAIN. It's trash and you look like an idiot for implying you can't "enjoy life" whilst in a relationship.)
In summary:
Not wanting a relationship: OK.
Wasting time of someone who wants a relationship: NOT OK.

I hope this gave y'all some insight! Next week's Mandem Monday is a slightly less incriminating and more light-hearted, I promise.

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