November 20, 2017


Happy Mandem Monday!

Perhaps my favourite day of the week and you can admit it, it's yours too. Today's topic is one I have discussed many times amongst the "brothers", and that is: how to tell her she's bad in bed. Or perhaps a bad kisser... or really anything else.

Maybe she's a little "teethy", too rough (or maybe not rough enough), maybe her dirty talk is just a little too filthy for your liking. It's important to communicate these things. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable for both parties involved and the only way to do that is to let each other know what you like (and what you don't.)

So, I'll let you in on it. Here's how to tell her she is absolutely awful in bed:

You don't.

I'm sure you're confused, but hear me out. No one wants to hear that they are bad at anything, but especially in bed. This can be a very sensitive topic and can really mess a person up if not handled with care.

Here's what you need to remember: She isn't trying to be bad. No one is purposely trying to be bad in bed or at kissing. She is trying to please you (and herself.) Take into account that she may have had past sexual partners that enjoyed things that you may not or maybe she is new to the game. Another factor: nervousness. Women often feel like we have this pressure on us to be absolute pornstars in bed, so sometimes, we end up trying to do the most and end up overdoing it.

However, that doesn't mean you sit and take some teethy head. *cringe*

Here's what you should do: guide her. Use slight and gentle motions or words to let her know what you want her to change. Keep it short and straightforward. For example: "Less ____. More ____." "Softer./Rougher." "Faster./Slower." This can help fix any "errors" and can even come off as sexy. Simple, easy. Her feelings aren't hurt, your manhood isn't chewed up and you no longer have to deal with slobbery kisses.

Now, say the problem is a little bigger than just teethy head.

Telling someone they're bad in bed is far too vague and sounds like an attack. Figure out where you feel they need improvement and have a conversation about it. You'll need to do this in combination with guiding them during sexual activity. It can be an awkward conversation talking about sex for some people and it's understandable: we grew up in a world where talking about sex can be considered a taboo... especially to a woman. Gross, right? Almost offensive. You never actually talk to a woman about sex unless you're about to have it. Wrong.

Now, don't go trying to telling every girl you've thought about getting in bed with your deepest darkest fantasies. There is a time and place to talk about sex and it doesn't necessarily need to be right before or during. There is a difference between having a conversation and being a pervert.

Here are some things to input in the conversation and ways you can have the conversation without offending her:

  • Ask her what she likes.

Don't make the implication that you're great and she's the reason the sex is bad. It could be a mutual thing and she could be keeping it to herself. Start the conversation by asking her what she likes or if there is any way you can improve. Listen to what she has to say and then in turn, express your feelings/desires.

  • Give her compliments when she is doing something that you do like.

If there is something in particular you enjoy, let her know that you like that. Tell her you love it when she takes control, or maybe when she doesn't. It'll boost her confidence and chances are she will start doing that way more. When you know you're really good at a particular thing, you're going to do it, right?

  • Make suggestions.
"Maybe we should try ____." "Have you ever _____?" This will allow you to figure out what she's comfortable with and what her limits are without 'forcing' her into it. Maybe she's totally not comfortable giving head. You have the freedom to ask her why, but for the love of God, don't pester her into anything she isn't comfortable with.

  • Avoid using the word "bad" and words similar.
Do not flat out tell her she's "bad" at anything. Unless you never want to hear from her again. Remember that different people like different things. Just because you aren't into it, doesn't necessarily mean that they are "bad."

  • Remember she is trying to please you.
I said it before and I will say it again, this is not purposeful. She wants to please you, so if you do tell her what you do like/how you like it, (if she is comfortable with it) she will most likely do it that way.

Remember this stuff takes time, but it's not impossible. Be gentle and be patient. I wish you all amazing sex.

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