November 06, 2017


What is Mandem Monday? Mandem Monday is a new series I am starting on the blog where I speak to... well, men. Interestingly enough, 48% of my monthly readers are men and of course, I have to take that into account. I speak a lot about my personal experiences with men and dating but it's usually geared towards women. This series is basically to help men understand women and have their questions answered. But I will also be incorporating some lifestyle and fashion topics specifically for men. Every Monday, we will be covering a new topic. If you have a topic you would like me to cover on Mandem Mondays, shoot me an email at

This week, we're talking about how to tell the difference between if a woman is playing hard to get or if she really isn't interested.

This seems to be a hard one for men and truthfully, it's partly because most of you aren't paying attention to what she's actually trying to tell you; words or actions. The one thing I always blatantly tell guys is: "If she says she's not interested, she's not interested."

Fewer girls play that game than you think. There's a difference between playing hard to get and actually being hard to get.

To be honest, I hate that term. "Playing hard to get" - it's much easier, to be honest, and upfront about how you feel about someone and I feel many people prefer that, but it is often harder said than done. Sometimes playing hard to get is a subconscious thing and the fact that some women play hard to get in the first place makes many men believe that is what we are doing when we are really just not that into you.

So, let's cover the basic question: why do girls play hard to get? It's often thought of as a very childish game to play but in reality, many women do it because they have the idea that men prefer a girl who is hard to get. Why do we believe that? Well, because many of you have basically told us so. All girls have had a situation where they weren't interested in a guy and would act as such, but yet, he won't stop chasing her. We've all had a dude we want to spend every minute with who won't give us the time of day. It makes us believe men like the rejection or the "chase".

But again, I will say: There's a difference between playing hard to get and actually being hard to get.

The easiest way to tell when a girl literally does not care about you (besides when she tells you that she literally does not care about you.) is by how she texts you. Personally, in the early stages of liking someone, I'm usually not one to double text and sometimes will hold back on texting you first. But when you text me, I will always reply and sometimes even in a timely manner. Of course, many women don't want to "seem too eager" so we will wait a bit before replying (or we're just busy.) But if she almost never texts you back or doesn't text you back for days at a time (and especially when she comes back with a dry response and no explanation)... brother, she isn't interested.

Another way to tell is how she interacts with you in your presence. Has she made physical contact with you? This doesn't include a handshake or a hug. (But it is definitely safe to assume she isn't interested if she doesn't want to shake your hand or hug you.) When you get close to her does she stay in her position or embrace it? Or does she literally move/pull away. Pay attention to body language. If she pulls away, that doesn't mean try again... she's not interested.

Questions to ask yourself: Is she engaged in your conversation? Is she making eye contact? Or is she lost in her own world, on her phone and barely responding/paying attention to what you have to say? How does she react when you talk about things you care about but she doesn't? (i.e. You're into cars, she isn't. Is she allowing you to talk to her about it and asking questions/engaging or is she just blankly smiling and nodding? Is she quick to let you know it's not her thing and change the subject?)

Another situation of hard to get vs not interested that guys seem to get confused by is COMING OVER TO YOUR HOUSE (and staying there). Is she willing to come over or does she make an excuse not to every time you bring it up? When at your house is she quick to leave or does she take her time about it? Staying over at a guy's house is really dependant on how comfortable she is with you, what stage of your 'situationship' you are in and her comfortability with sleepovers in the first place, so if she declines to sleep over that does not necessarily mean she isn't interested in you. Personally, I won't sleep over at a dude's house if I'm not interested in him and most girls won't. I probably wouldn't even come over, to be honest.

Pay attention to her friends. If she brings you around them (which, by the way, is a sign she probably likes you). Her friends' reactions will say everything you need to know. Fortunately for you, us girls can't keep our mouths shut or mind our business, so when our friends bring a man around, we'll either give you the "oh, so you're her man" vibe or the "oh, you're the dude that's been stalking her" vibe. The friends will always look at her and do the stamp of approval. Watch for it. We'll either mouth "HE'S CUTE", give her a smile/wink, a nudge, a nod or a thumbs up or some weird sexual motion. Watch for it.

A really nice tell-all way to figure out if a girl is into you? Ask. Or tell, if asking is too awkward. Yes, actually, I take that back, NEVER EVER ASK A GIRL IF SHE LIKES YOU. Instead, tell her how you feel about her and pay attention to her response. Or follow that with asking her if she feels the same way. Usually, she will tell you how she feels regardless. If she says she's not interested, says she thinks of you as a friend or makes up excuses as to "why it wouldn't work" - my friend, she is not interested.

If you're not ready to ask, here a few other signs that will help you tell the difference between, "I'm playing hard to get" and "I'm not interested.":

HARD TO GET/INTERESTED: You can't really tell how she feels about you, but you know she likes you as a person. If you're confused, she probably likes you.

NOT INTERESTED: She literally said she doesn't like you/isn't interested/just likes you as a friend. Listen when we talk, please.

HARD TO GET/INTERESTED: Talks to you or interacts with you in some form every day. This could range from something as simple as a snapchat to a phone call. She reminds you of her existence daily.

NOT INTERESTED: Opens your messages and doesn't reply (like at all). You barely hear from her etc. If you're lucky that she even looks at your snapchat story, she doesn't care about you.

HARD TO GET/INTERESTED: Mentions other guys trying to get with her. She will make it clear she's not interested in them, but won't necessarily say it's because she's interested in you. This is more to kick your butt to put in some more work or take your relationship to the next level. Or just to remind you she has options, so don't get comfortable.

NOT INTERESTED: Talks about other guys excessively to the point where she is willing to cry to you about the guy she actually does like. Brings up her ex constantly. Will talk to you about the date she went on. Will flirt with another guy in front of you and go home with him.

HARD TO GET/INTERESTED: She double checks that you're still on for plans you've made. Lets you know she's going to be late/reschedules in a timely manner. Is late but shows up and is apologetic.
NOT INTERESTED: Makes plans with you and doesn't bother to text you about them/doesn't show up. Constantly "forgets" that you two had plans. Avoids making plans with you in general.

HARD TO GET/INTERESTED: The idea of you going on a date with/flirting with another girl bothers her. Tends to ask "who's that?" when you mention another girl's name without a preceding position title. (i.e. My co-worker, Sara, told me about ____ vs Sara told me about _____.)
SIDE NOTE: THIS DOES NOT MEAN TEST HER. Don't go flirting with other girls and going on dates and shit, she will assume you are a man hoe a player and stop talking to you.

NOT INTERESTED: Asks why you don't date ____. Tries to set you up with her friends. Tells you that you would make a cute couple with _____. The thought of you talking to literally anyone else brings her happiness.

Hopefully, this helped some of you gain some insight and I really hope she's just playing hard to get, but if not, for everyone's sake - don't ignore the information in this post and continue to pursue her. She's not interested.

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